An Interesting Place.

Day 3.

2012-01-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

After beginning the nutrition unit in the culinary class I interpret for, I have truly been inspired to get my act together in the food department. I'm not doing anything super crazy but I've vowed to increase my fruit and veggie intake. After starting this journey I tried to think back to the last time that I consumed a fruit and couldn't even remember. That is scary. I'm an adult so I should eat things that are healthy even if they are less than delicious. (icky!!)

So to get this thing rollin I discovery a "Monster smoothie" and have had it for the past 3 days for breakfast. It's not too shabby.

(words cannot describe this green in drink form so I had to take a picture!)

Contents: Frozen banana, peanut butter, Greek yogurt, milk and spinach.

After the first one I played with the recipe and added strawberries and left out the yogurt. I had several more veggies that night at Sweet Tomato's and yesterday oppted for the veggie pizza instead of just cheese. I want to make the little changes so that I can work my way into optimum health. It's always been important to me but now I'm taking charge of what I'm subjecting my body to, it's way over due but never too late.

This "adult" is taking the plunge into healthy eating (or drinking) habits!

"sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

2012-01-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

My heart will always be broken.
I'm gonna be OK.
God answers my prayers in different ways and when I need it most.

My mind has been very busy but these are the thoughts that I rest on when it's clear.

my place, my current residence, my dwelling, my layer, my crib.

2011-12-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

Things I love about my apartment:

A good 80% of our kitchen is PINK = dream come true.
I love to cook/make meals.
I love having my very own bathroom.
I love my spacious walk-in closet.
Our apartment complex is very calm.
I always see neighbors walking their cute dogs.
The apartment office smells really good and we like mostly everyone we've talked to there.
I am excited to decorate my room and bathroom.
I love that we have a goodwill, 31 flavors, ross, blockbuster, taco bell and many other favorite places within walking distance.
I/we make the rules.
Because of the last statement there is no rule about me not having a cat. In fact, Taylor highly endorses this thought. Just a matter of timing and saving to bring this dream to fulfillment.
I love my job. Which doesn't actually have to do with the apartment per-say, but I love going from here to my new job and although break is good I'm looking forward to getting back to work.

Things I do not like about my apartment.

When Taylor's not here there is no one to play with.
Our windows.
I don't get to see my family everyday.

So I'd say, aside from a few bummers about this whole deal, it's pretty sweet!
This was the day we signed the paper work! The place is still a little messy but I'm sure there will be pictures to share soon!

The Lion King.

2011-12-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

Ah the things you can learn from a classic Disney movie! We watched this as a family over thanksgiving and it's been in my mind ever since. I think this scene teaches so much of what we need to know about life.

Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back will mean facing my past. I've been running from it for so long. [Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past. [laughs]
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. [swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way]
Rafiki: Ha. You see? So what are you going to do?
Simba: First, I'm gonna take your stick. [Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]
Rafiki: No,no, not the stick! Hey, where you going?
Simba: I'm going back!
Rafiki: Good! Go on! Get out of here! [Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]

change. In 3 words.

2011-11-29T16:21:00.000-08:00

Apartment.
Job.
Attitude.

I've always hated change. Routines and knowing what to expect in life and in different situations is more my style. BUT I'm really looking forward to these things. It's about time I shake things up and I'm happy for these blessings in my life and the opportunity to pursue them.

all I am going to say on the subject is this...

2011-11-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

It wasn't the wedding that I was devastated about not having.

It was not getting the after part that I was looking forward to.

I don't know why things happen the way they do sometimes but I can attest that going through hard things makes us stronger. Maybe God felt like my heart muscles were getting a little weak and that they needed an intense work out so I could see the potential in myself. To learn things I would not have other wise. To take self inventory and see where I often fall short. To really understand what it is to love anohter. I still don't know. But I do know that it's time to stop being sad,bitter,hurt,confused,angry,lost,alone and all that other non sense. It's time for me to get up off my knees, say amen and actually do His work. It's time for me to be positive and change.

"don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine."

2011-10-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

T Swift. She can do no wrong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=asOQolzLCU0&NR=1

That's all <3

23.

2011-09-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie I've been struggling lately.

I know who I am

but sometimes I let people or things shake my sense of self.

I saw this and kinda went "DUH".

Usually those thoughts come after the doubts

because ultimately I'm a good person.

No matter what anyone else thinks.

Getting old stinks.

Something like this would help ease the aging process.

yea...

2011-08-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

I like this. (Except maybe the last one.)
I'd love something like this for my tiny apartment.

I want so badly to be a wonderful wife,

a wonderful cook,

a wonderful house cleaner,

a wonderful communicater,

a wonderful...everything.

It's just overwhelming to not be
everything that I want to become.

a weird place.

2011-07-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

Why do I care so much about people who I have nothing to do with anymore?

Is it really caring? Maybe I'm more of a freak than I even realize.

All I know is...

I'm getting to that place in wedding planning that everyone talks about. I need my paully to make things fun again.

I changed my blog colors to wedding colors after I got engaged. aww.

I love to eat/bake/experiment.

I am overwhelmed with life. maybe that's one reason why I eat so much.
Oh and I got a bulls eye at girls camp. No big, I'm just good like that.

"He live to comfort me when faint, he lives to hear my soul's complaint"

2011-06-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here after making 3 substantial payments on my credit card and reality hit. The thought entered my mind that in the years since I've had my credit card this would be the first time that I would have to just make the minimum payment instead of paying it off like I do every month. It didn't come in a angry/panic/freaking out way that I thought it would, I just felt sad. Sadness that I am now an adult, and that this is the kind of things that adults deal with. I was just sitting trying to let it all soak in. Then a song came on my "piano" pandora radio station. He lives. And a different feeling filled my chest. I know my Savior lives and he watches out for me. It may be silly and insignificant to most to even hear about this sad experience I had but for my Savior, my older brother, that has felt every sorrow I've ever felt and have yet to feel, He knew that in this moment I need to know that He was there. I am so thankful for His hand in my life. I've been trying to notice it alot more lately because I've always knew it was there and need to acknowledge it. Paul and I recently discussed how every heartache and every period of time in our separate lives that we just wanted to give up or avoid, lead us to each other and the joy we are experiencing now. We know that this is only because we relied on Him even when it was tough. I am at peace.

Thank you.

my hands say it better...

2011-05-30T08:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was goood.

Phil and I took a mini road trip,

which always makes us happy.

We took a picnic and laughed

and were together, another happy factor.

On the drive home we had a memorial day inspired conversation.

We talked about honor, sacrifice, selflessness

and how those things are almost dead in our generation.

These days it's all about getting ahead,

getting more money,

having more things,

doing what you want for yourself.

We might not go fight in a war,

give our lives for our country

or the things we believe in

BUT

we will live our lives the best we can,

sacrificing for each other and our families.

We will do the things that are required of us

living everyday and living well

we can still change our world a little at a time.

And of course striving to live worthy of the one

who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.

Happy thoughts. Good times. My guy is amazing.

want-y

2011-05-26T19:42:00.001-07:00

I want this...
I wanna make these...

I wanna do this...

Want, want, I'm so selfish.

random graduation thoughts from my bedroom floor.

2011-05-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

I was laying there on my bedroom floor, realizing that the scene that surrounded me was similar to what it was 4 years ago. My room is filthy. When I graduated from high school my room was filthy plus, from the help of my messy sister. Now it's just my mess but I still won't get around to cleaning it before tomorrow. So I'm laying on my floor looking up at my beautiful pink, now dry cleaned, dress for tomorrow and actually got a little sad. I imagined the "after party" with the friends I've made and experienced so much with since August. They've seen me develop a skill that means so much to me. They've seen me go from completely silent to just quiet. We've all been through struggles, moments of doubting ourselves and at times our career choice, but also we've cheered each other on, we've experienced those moments when one of us nailed it and we partied for each others little triumphs. And that's just the class related stuff. We've experienced life together. The highs and lows, the moments when we just needed people to listen and the moments we couldn't utter what was going on beneath the surface and either way there was always a feeling of support. As excited as I am to graduate I'm also kinda dreading it. I just have to keep thinking that these people whom I've grown to love and respect will leave my life as classmates but become my trusted colleagues in the field.

IPP day class 2011 ROCKS! cough cough 2!

I think it's just the way I am.

2011-03-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

Could you imagine if people couldn't ask questions???

You'd never have to worry about saying the wrong thing.

Or being asked something you didn't want to answer

or didn't know how to answer.

You'd just have to tell people things.

But nothing you didn't want to.

It's silly I know but it would make life better,

at least how I imagine it.

I miss having a pet.

I've been through like 5 fish, a lizard, a tree frog, and a puppy for about a day.I want something to love for a very long time.

This is my last spring break as a student.

I hate my eating habits.

I worry more than anyone knows.

If that whole no question thing

worked out

you might choose not to talk to me

but maybe that'd even be ok.

People are hard to figure out.

I swear I have good intentions.

2011-03-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

I mean to get homework done...but the library didn't have the right Word program,
and at home I have my favorite T.V. shows.

I mean to save gas but...I have to use the lab at school and go to Paul's whenever possible.

I mean to be a good friend but...I have school, work and don't plan as well as I should.

I mean to think nice things always but...my mind gets in the way.

I mean to work out...ok not really cuz I hate it but I know I should.

Most of all I mean to eat healthy...but I can not say no to treats especially my all time favorites, cupcakes. I am the worst vegetarian ever.

playing grown-up

2011-02-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

I was laying in bed this morning telling myself:

"NO! this is your day off, sleep in,

DO NOT get up and do homework you have already planned to do tonight!"

So at times I think I'm doing this whole "grown-up" thing I've heard so much about.

But other times, like when I had my backpack on and lunch box in hand yet I was wearing my heels and professional clothes, I feel like I am still 5 years old and just dressing/playing the part.

say it to me simply.

2011-02-10T19:10:00.000-08:00

"Education is not the filling of a pail,

but the lighting of a fire"-Wm Butler Yates

The night class at school has been leaving quotes on the white board

and I am benefiting greatly.

I love it when people say things that make sense.

"We are all gonna fall on our face"

-discussing interpreting in front of interpreters

with one that I idolize.

All I know is, through all the crap, heartache,

feelings of being completely overwhelmed and over stretched

without sufficient time to breath,

after everything is said and done...

I WILL be an amazing interpreter

why? because I want it that badly.

the ONLY reason I like nights off.

2011-02-03T19:22:00.001-08:00

Today I did pretty much nothing but homework while keeping warm

in my sweats and sweatshirt.

So tonight after, deciding to quit, I got out my face mask from

christmas and slapped it on.

I don't know why it's so fun, I guess it's a girl thing.

I think more girl things are in order seeing as my boy is hard at work.

is it possible to understand?

2011-01-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

All that someone has experienced,

the depths of ones misery

even if they've risen above.

Can it ever be clear why we are the way we are?
Is it possible?
Words simply don't do years of feelings justice.

I sure hope so.

The first day of 2011 and events leading up to it.

2011-01-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I was asked "how was 2010 for you?". And honestly I hadn't thought about the year as a whole til then. It was not horrible, but it was not wonderful til certain events.

2010 for me was:

Finishing my Deaf studies certificate

The application process for the Interpreter Prep program

time spent on a relationship that didn't work out

Tyler and Hollie being in Yuma

Taylor being in Florida

Living at home...again.

CAMP ISOLA BELLA

Singles ward

working with 2 new wonderful (clients) kiddos

First semester in IPP

MEETING/DATING PHIL

My resolutions were not met but over all I was a little braver and a little better.

2011 holds so much hope and joy for me already. Things I'm looking forward to:

My last semester at Phoenix College

Internship AHHHHHHH!

Graduation AHHHHHHH!

LOVE and lots of it.

work-HOPE & then finding a career type job!

pink kitchen drawing ever closer

family- growing older is bittersweet

summer- Yellowstone, Utah, Camp Isola bella?

Last night on the car ride home I kept raddling off resolutions like

learn how to talk

be less selfish

teach my boyfriend how to be less selfish with the sexy

But really I want to do some main things like:

Give up my slavery to worldly things on the sabbath

rock my grades this last semester

strengthen my relationship with Christ

All-in-one.

2010-12-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

Taylor Graduated college!

So naturally I wanted to go and support her on her big day, it was such a great one! Paul agreed to be my driving buddy so we took our first mini roadtrip together. We headed out early so we could stop at an awesome Flag breakfast place before the graduation and it was, as expected, delicious and Paul experienced the food wonder that is pancakes and peanut butter!

Then we headed for the graduation, I was SO thankful for the shuttle from the parking lot to the dome so I didn't have to walking in the snow/slush in my heels. The ceremony was nice and not as long I expected and it was fun to see Taylor as a little speck in a sea of blue. Next we went to lunch with all Taylor's fans. Again delicious food. We weren't ready to go straight home after so we took the long way through beautiful Sedona. It was an amazing day! I LOVE SNOW, flagstaff, Best friend Taylor, good food, good company and my little trooper of a driver, he made a world of difference on such a short trip. All that on one day, it really was incredible. I was happy I was back to my camera happy self as well cuz it turned out in lot of beautiful pictures.

The End.

2010-12-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm dreaming about 6 months in the future

to keep my mind off the sick, gnawing pain I feel

from a stupid final in which I am highly disappointed.

Stupid school,

this created a unnecessary negativity in me that I'm trying to combat by

letting my mind wander to summer plans.

Last summer was tops for sure and I didn't

think there would ever be one to even compare to it

but the mere thought of potential plans for this next one

is almost matching it in wonderful mind clearing,

smile sticking, happiness powers

and I can hardly wait.

the same yet wildly diffrent.

2010-12-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

This morning I got asked a somewhat simple, conversational question that went like this:

"so do you want to work in the K-12 setting?"

My answer was pretty causal something like:

"yea maybe but I'm not quite sure exactly what I want to do"

But inside my head something totally different was going on cuz my crazy self translated that question into my language of everythinghasgreatermeaningandyoumusthavealltheanswersrightnow so my mind conversation when like this:

"what are you going to do with the rest of your life?"

besides my immediate reaction of -keep it together and just answer like a normal person!
what my brain answered to that question was:

"I HAVE NO IDEA, i'm so scared of real life I often think I'll lose it and just thinking about being done with school makes me feel like my life as I have known it for the past 17 years of my existence is going to change drastically and I don't know how to be a grown up, I want to live with my mommy and daddy forever and only have 2 bills and not get kicked off the family phone plan and not have to worry about eventually getting a job so I can move out and be a productive member of society and lets not even get into the realm of the "M" word that people have been throwing around like I'm already a crazy cat lady and their trying to save my soul...etc"

luckily all my mentor heard was a reserved "yea, not sure".

my shout out to Christmas.

2010-12-01T11:28:00.001-08:00

Although a subtle change, the new colors are Christmas inspired.

There are a few unsettling feelings in my chest that come along with

any and almost every holiday but mostly I have alot to look forward to...

painting ornaments,

drinking way too much hot chocolate,

doing nothing on break with my siblings,

decorating the tree and/or dad &Christmas Eve red toes!

"There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed. If it is unexpressed, it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude."

2010-11-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

JESUS CHRIST

CROFT FAMILY

AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE

PHOENIX COLLEGE INTERPRETER PREP PROGRAM

PAUL ALLEN GARNS

BEST FRIEND TAYLOR

TEMPLE VIEW SINGLES WARD RS

HOPE GROUP KIDDOS

AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP

VEGETARIAN FOOD

SHELTER IN GILBERT AZ

CHOICES

KNOWING MY PRIORITIES

I have so much to be thankful for but those are the highest items on the list.

Happy Thanksgiving.

"without anybody telling me what I should feel"

2010-11-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

Reflections:

My hair falls around my face in an instance it brings me back into your arms,

I breathe you in all around me and I am peaceful.

Perfection, such a silly idea. Nothing will ever be so.

I'm ok with that. Interpreting, family, relationships, it's never gonna be just right.

Learning to accept and live is the fun in this life anyways.

Reality:

Days and weeks vary in length depending on what's happening.

I get to see my brother next week finally and seeing my sister-in-law/friend is always

a pleasure and something to look forward to!

A few days off of school to ready myself for the rest of it before break will be awesome!

"My life is good, real good!"

I could wait patiently BUT...

2010-11-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

At first I was scared.
I didn't want to feel this way again...not ever.
And don't get me wrong I'm not caught up in some unrealistic fairy-tail
of love at first sight or
any other ridiculous notion that a crazy mormon
in my "rip-old age" might feel pressured to find BUT

I'm the wonderful words of Lady A:

"Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again."

HIM & a really pretty horse.

"you with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me"

2010-11-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

Why, when I do not care about you,

can you still get to me?

My heart doesn't have room for these frivolous scares

you always leave behind.

You had your time when it was yours for the breaking

but now it's mine and I've chosen that,

too bad I can't choose to have you not effect it anymore.

There are things I can't predict, don't expect

it's those low blows especially that keep those walls up,

walls I pray will be demolished so that a person worth a shot

might actually get one.

As much as that little hopeful girl can still survive inside of me,

the experiences cage her in and tell her it won't last,

scream at her to remember the pain

remember how they hurt you and didn't even think twice.

One word:mess.

2010-10-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts:

I have struggles in life, but given the choice I'd choose my struggles every time.

I love Britt. Today she made my siblings and I go buy lemon aide from a little girl because she was raising money for the Ronald McDonald house.

I'm a mess...yep.

Taylor Swift is a GENIUS.

"Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you"

Picture: Can you believe this was not my 5th birthday? Oh well it was goood pumpkin cheesecake after an AMAZING obese meal :)

2010-10-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

Letting people into your life is scary.

"Someday" used to be one of my favorite words.

I'm rather sick of it now.

I wish for TODAY.

Somthing on my brain.

2010-10-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

I think about him most everyday.

My first sign language teacher had an accident on a freeway overpass, I think when I was a SR.

After a few days of his absence he returned and told us this story.

It was one of the first things I thought about when I got the text the morning he passed away.
I've always thought of him on over passes since his accident. It's different since he's been gone.

+ & -

2010-09-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

-doing poorly at school sucks because it makes me doubt myself in the one area I never have.

-my computer is just off due to horrible stupid virus that I don't know how to fix.

-I don't know where my camera cord is so I can't upload new pictures until my laptop gets fixed.

-I am 22 yet my crazy face thinks I should still look like a jr. high kid.

+I love to sign, it is my passion even when it hurts to continue.

+Tanner is the best little brother ever, he has become so fun lately.

+Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

+My time cards are almost finished.

= I'm not sure. I tend to complain but I don't mean to because this is really a great phase of my life right now.

2010-09-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

I miss fireflies. I miss the warm water of the lake. I miss cool mornings.

I miss all of it.

2010-09-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

My hair is about this dark again, and now it's 4 inches shorter.
Nice to have a change.

So remember in High School and even some College where you used to do homework that didn't matter, which at the time sucked cuz literally it did you no good for your future?!?
Well I can now say I miss those days.
I'm in my last year of college. (knock on wood & at least done for a very long time.)
Little did I know this year would be the most enjoyable but the hardest time I've ever had. Getting back to the not mattering homework of the past, I actually do things in class now that are preparing me for my line of work, so crazy.
And alot of it's not fun, and not easy cuz you have to identify every mistake you made and have others point out what you did wrong even if you gave it your best shot cuz apparently that's how we'll learn how to become better interpreters. But right now it's just kinda sucky. (Yup last year of college and I say words that don't exist)

Anyways I'm overwhelmed with school right now to say the least, not that I don't like what I'm doing it's just hard, for a lack of more eloquent way of stating that fact.

This weekend should be interesting and I've made a personal decision lately, I know what I'm supposed to be doing now.

still hurts like new...

2010-09-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

My life is composed of:

FAMILY-always,

church-new calling, I'm scared. I know I will be blessed as I forget myself and help others come to Him.

school-going well so far, week 3 starting tomorrow.

SOOOON new room. I officially get the guest room in our house. which means I'll have my own room, WHOOT WHOOT.

My car still feels new, I'm becoming more aware of the time I spend in it.

Life is not a snap-shot.

2010-08-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

Driving down the 202 freeway I pondered...

Why when the tears wouldn't stop and sleep wouldn't come

and calm never came could I not feel His love?

Why when my heart was busted open and laying on the floor

couldn't I feel His hand in my life?

When the time came after, a time of darkness and emptiness

of hopelessness and grief did He not care?

And then I realize, He was always there.

He allowed me to experience that debilitating pain

so that someday I can feel complete happiness.

He let me feel lost so I would find my way to Him.

I'm thankful for my love of Christ, my elder brother and my friend.
I know that even if I feel down in the dumps, date-less on friday nights kind self pity thing sometimes, there is always light when I remember Him.

cheese, moola, dough, loot, bucks...well lack there of at least.

2010-08-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

new car...check

registration/emissions...check

insurance...check

oil change/stupid engine light came on...check

school tuition...check

new "professional" pants for school...check

brunch with a friend...check

random frame for camp collage...check

lunch with an old friend I haven't seen in a years...check

gas in my car...check

gas in Tracie's truck while I used it...check

books...uh still need them

external hard drive...way expensive, dang it!

money...

...nada, zip, zero.

yea I love being an adult.

Best job ever.

2010-08-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

I work for the state, through an agency called H.O.P.E. group.
I always refer to it as that, "HOPE" group, but really it stands for Honoring and Optimizing the Potential in Everyone. I love that! Even more so as I've met some new kiddos that I'm going to start working with. I'm so excited and motivated to get in there and work! I see their adorable faces and can't help but melt and want to help bring out that potential that I can just see in their eyes! I feel so blessed to have this job and to be trusted to work with these sweetest kids that really have so much intelligence that is just locked up and try to find the key to help let it out of them!

about 9 years behind.

2010-08-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was never the kind of teenager or pre-teen girl that had major crushes on movie stars, had pictures from magazines up in her room or any of that. Until now.

I am majorly in love with Liam Hemsworth. Sweep me off my feet with your beautiful baby blue eyes, stunning smile and that hunky accent, I'm yours.

facts.

2010-08-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

A year is a long time.

I'm braver now.

Time heals all hearts...but not quickly.

Things worry me.

I guard my heart on purpose.

My mindset is positive and going from there.

I bought a car. Still a weird statement. It has it's problems and imperfections so I compare it to me, because inside it's still good. I officially own it and have the title in my name and my LUV ASL special plate registered to it. Now I'm just a physical plate transfer and choosing/buying insurance away from everything being official. Crazy how big things happen so quickly sometimes. Speaking of, I miss camp & Connecticut. Can't believe I was really there for 2 months and then I hear everything that happened at home when I was gooe & I'm happy to be here.

Some favorite campers.

2010-08-09T16:31:00.001-07:00

This is Nikita.

She was my first favorite.

The first time I saw her I knew we'd be friends

because she loves exactly like one of my cousins did

when she was a few years younger.

This is Brooklynn, Ryann, or Yvonne.

I think she's going through an identity crisis,

none the less she has a special place in my heart.

She was one of 4 kids that was with us for

4 weeks out of the 7 so I got attached.

She always told me she was half angel half devil.

Lexi, Tully, Briana, & Ariella.

Cutie Pies!

They were always good for me and

I got to be the staff for their group at

Lake Compounce and had so much fun

on the water slides, getting ice cream,

going on the carousel and getting their hair braided.

Brittany or Britt-Britt.

This little one actually drove me crazy sometimes.

But the other times she just made me laugh.

To-bad and thumbs down were her favorite signs.

To my left Brennan, to my right Brenda.
Brennan was my vegetarian friend, it was so fun discussing things with him and making silly vegetarian comments with him, really bright kid.

Brenda said I was her favorite staff,so sweet :) She had her moments of drama but generally a good girl.

Last but not least "my Romeo".His real name is Zach but when he met me he said "oh your name is like Juliet".So from then on he would say he was my Romeo. Crazy 15-year-old giant.

I miss them so much.

Camp Isola Bella, best summer ever!

2010-08-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

I had the most amazing summer experience at Camp IB.

I learned so much about Deaf culture, sign, myself and just life in general.

Everything was so beautiful in Connectitcut.

I'm not going to lie about the fact I was often homesick but

that has got to be natural when you've never been away from home for so long

in your entire life and so far away.

The campers over all were wonderful.

I learned from them and enjoyed their sweet little personalities.

The staff became my good friends, I miss them already!

This was the best summer I've ever had!

I will always be so thankful and love the memories I made there.

makes me smile.

2010-07-27T12:42:00.001-07:00

I love (most) kids!

Sometimes things they say just strike me as especially hysterical.

Today after telling a kid sorry that his group didn't want to play a game cuz they get distracted easily he replied
"they have the attention span of squirrels!"

Another time today we were playing guess who and someone said Jesus and another girl said "there is only one Jesus and that is all." Not sure why but I was cracking up!

Some of the kids are drama and try as I might to tell them there is ABSOLUTELY NO DATING ALLOWED AT CAMP, the gossip, the he like me or her or I like whoever continues every second of everything.

I have a 2 night camping trip, hikes, six flags, a few more skits to look forward to before I get back to the best kids in the world, croft kids!

My favorite line from Tanner lately is "Don't die in Connecticut!"
Thanks bud! haha!

Someday you will.

2010-07-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

This is me.

I somehow noticed this little guy on the bottom of the forest floor
and he meant so much to me.
He rose out of the dimness and sprouted life amongst the tragedy.
He symbolizes new life, growth, strength
all the things I desperately need.

I think there is a saying about
"you can take the girl to Connecticut
but you can never take Gilbert outta the girl"
something like that, but hopefully I'm done with
drama from back home for awhile.

Free weekend, Teen weekend, home.

2010-07-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Connecticut sky cover me with forgetfulness,
Eastern air clear my chest,
clear blue water wash the tears away
so I can get some rest.
Star-y night sky fill my mind with wonder,
forest green keep me in awe,
opportunity let me concur it so
I can get over it all.

I can't. I just can't.
Go through this again,
let it happen to me,
...if it's a choice why does either option feel rotten.
I want it to go away,
& let everything around
encompass me with all I need
to move on.

NEWS!

2010-07-09T14:25:00.001-07:00

A few months ago I posted that I would respond to this news in
one if two ways...

I'm happy to say that it's way #1 which is CELEBRATING!
I almost did cry tears of joy to be done waiting
but I think I'm even past that happiness!
Such a relief to know and have a plan for my life/next semester!
Words cannot fully describe my joy!

Now I can really enjoy this summer even more! HECK YES!

"Hope and a future!" - Jeremiah 29:11

at any given moment.

2010-07-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

ah where to begin.

I love Ct. It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen in my life.
The weather has been fantastic, I never remember enjoying the summer like this before.
The camp itself is amazing, beautiful cabin type place in the middle of the island that is
on a georgus lake. Oddly enough I've enjoyed the water occasionally too.

My actual job is not the best, I do way more dishes, sweeping and cleaning than
should be humanly possible but I manage.
I get some free time in between meals to not go insane.

It's hard to write how I'm feeling cuz it changes so rapidly.
I try not to think about home.
Really I don't think I fully understood or could have ever imagined how much I would miss it.
I miss my family. I wish there wasn't a time difference and I had more service cuz I'd love to talk to them more.

sigh. BUT I do love it here at the same time. We've had the first group of kids now going on to our second week. There are 19 and I enjoy all of them, although I have my favorites :)
I will actually be sad to see them go on Friday. Sunday we'll get 48 new little ones, should be crazy but fun.

I'll figure out how to post pictures soon hopefully. I figured by week 3 I should at least give a little update.

Peace, love, IB.

praying the wiggles away.

2010-06-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

Chloe: It's too hard to sleep.

Julie: Did you close your eyes really tight and just lay still for awhile?

Chloe: yea but it's too hard to sleep cuz I just keep wanting to be wiggly.

Julie: Ok well lets try again cuz it's bed time.

(Back in her room her sitting in bed)

Chloe: I just keep wanting to be wiggly, see.

(lays down and starts to wiggle)

Julie: Ok well what can we do about that?

Chloe: I don't know.

(this goes on a few different ways until...)

Chloe: What can we do?

Julie: I don't know Chlo I just asked you that and you didn't know so...

Chloe: Can we say a prayer?

Julie: (thinking DUH why didn't I think of that?) Yes of course.

So we prayed away the wiggles and I haven't heard a peep since.
I will miss my cousins sooo much.
Kendall, the one I work with, is pretty much non-verbal and yet she still is the prayer police
and makes sure we pray before every meal and sometimes snacks and also before bed.
The spirit my best little friend had amazes me, when she signs prayer I obey her and I pray.
Chloe made me pray again after bedtime prayers because Madi (our other cousin) had an accident on her horse and got hurt. So we prayed again for her to get better soon.
These prayers were even before the wiggle incident.
I love these girls so much.
It's crazy how children bring such meaningful big-scheme stuff into my mind and life.

I just hope I can take this sweet lesson she taught me to heart and pray away all my fears
for my trip, in less than a day, and just enjoy this awesome adventure.

one word.

2010-06-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

I don't want to say it.
I tried yesterday and cried.
I've never been fond of it.
There are no circumstances
where it is good.
I'm dreading it.
I despise this evil word.
5 days and it'll be said alot,
not looking forward to...

goodbye.

crazy imperfections.

2010-06-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

I have bad gums.

I don't like to eat alone.

I can't spell.

I put my thumb nail in my mouth between my teeth when I'm nervous or self conscious.

I'm awful & awkward at sports.

I make lists for everything.

I hate pictures of myself.

I rarely take pictures that I'm not being goofy in.

I never do my hair.

I don't really care for make-up.

I have very limited cooking skills.

I get really weird with people from my past.

I loved nerd word games.

I don't like cute shoes cuz mostly their uncomfortable.

I am dramatic.

I sometimes don't handle things well.

I get super attached to my pet fish.

I could go on. But I have a point.

I realize I'm not perfect.

I'm not the cutest girl

or the girl that all the guys think is so cool for being tough

or the most outgoing, flirty type

or anything to that extent.

I have many a bad habits

and as much as I try to tame my insecurities

they follow me around like a bad penny.

However,

I know how to love.

I remember important things and also dumb little things.

I try to be a good gift giver.

I like to listen.

I think compromise is a great thing & important so I'll try what you want at least once.

I've made alot of mistakes but learned from them.

I also gain knowledge from people smarter than me.

Someday it will be right.

I'm hopeful that it'll just click for me.

I'll know exactly how to be perfectly imperfect

for someone who is the same for me.

mark my words I will learn how to jerk.

2010-06-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

I've been all over emotionally as of late.
Who know's if I will ever make up my mind.
I guess it's sorta my right as a 21 year old
& a female to change my thoughts constantly.
I leave for camp in about 3 weeks-ish.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm about 3/4th's nervous about everything,
but that leaves 1/4 for excitement and odds are
once I'm closer to being ready I'll get to be
even more excited.
I am realizing how much I will miss my
cousins and spending time with them
and my siblings and parents but again
it'll be good, I tell myself this often to
ensure that ratio of nervousness I feel doesn't
sky rocket!

I WANT SO BADLY TO DO THE JERK DANCE!

sunday joys.

2010-05-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

I teach sunbeams at church.

I use the term teach lightly because mostly

I'm a "glorified midget wrangler".

I have 8 in my class, not all usually come but

today we had six.

_______________________________________

Brinton- sharp as a tack, he's the leader of the pack.

Ryan-very strong willed shall we say, always moving.

Bailey- Sweet little thing, she loves to chat at all times.

Rory- pretty quiet but likes to play

and bounce around with the rest of them.

& Makayla- She is the boss,

as adorable as she is she adds to the chaos.

__________________________________________

(the other two that were absent today are:

Braden- if I had to choose a favorite, he's it, horrible of me

but he's got the cutest glasses and

goes to speech but tried really hard to talk with me

and he's only a crazy when coaxed by the others.

and last but not least

Sal- he speaks Spanish. He likes to wrestle. Enough said.)

___________________________________________

The only word for today is crazy.

Pure crazy.

Ryan had some anger issues.

Baily had the waterworks going and loud flatulence

that she shared with the whole primary.

Makayla joined in on water works occasionally.

I was exhausted when I got home.

__________________________________________

As insane as it sounds I'm going to miss this calling.

I couldn't think about it being one of my last time,

it made me too sad.

I've come to know and love them individually

and they've taught me alot.

(Aside for affirming my not wanting to have children :)

They love Christ, they might not get much out of my lessons

but they always know their Savior and things

he has done for them.

______________________________________________

They are truly sunbeams & add light to my life.

not ready.

2010-05-25T08:54:00.001-07:00

I know it's gonna happen.
and soon.
Thursday she'll graduate.
I'm gonna be a mess.
There is so much she doesn't know yet,
there is so much I wish I could teach her,
there is so much advice I'd wish I'd given her.
I know it's unavoidable but I don't want her to leave.
She'll want to be home even less.
She won't need us anymore...
I should have done her favors and
things she asked of me a little more sweetly.

I am so worried about her because I

love her dearly.
We've drifted apart lately and I hate it.
I just wish she'd be around to have random chats,
take the first jump in the pool together
or make the little memories doing nothing that matters
just making it fun.
Thursday, urgh.

I think too much.

2010-05-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

"relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it?"

dream.

2010-05-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

last night.

two unexpected people

appeared.

neither scenario would occur

in real life.

and i know it wasn't real,

but i wish

it would have never happened.

i wish dreams had filters.

you could block

certain characters.

i could control

or edit their potential content.

so i wouldn't wake up feeling

like this.

go away.

2010-05-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

sickness,
messy room,
singing girls,
worries,
doubts,
fear.

If even just sickness
I'd be more likely to
forgot about the rest.

& still no grades posted grrrrr.

I feel...

2010-05-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

anxious- my on-line final to begin in approximately 16 mins.

nervous- grades,summer, getting accepted/rejected into my program, life, the usual.

happy- SUMMER PLANS, to be finished w/ school.

upset- with siblings choices, dishonestly, selfishness.

hopeful- about what is next in my life, Independence, and someday really learning and accepting what my loving Father in Heaven has planned for my life and seeing the potential in myself that he does.

I want a typewritter.

2010-05-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

I've recieved about 5 letters in my life that have been

written on one of these beautiful machinnes

and the first time I saw the neatly aligned letters, I fell in love.

I'm not sure if I will ever own one but I would really like to, just for fun.

I got to school early to do my work...now my work is done.

I have another hour until class and would not like to think of

anything real and thus the dreaming about typewritters.

SUMMER ADVENTURE!

2010-05-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am ridiculously thrilled to announce that I got a job for the summer and I will be jetting off on this amazing summer adventure in June. There are so many things I am looking forward to! But I will just share a few!

I haven't been on an airplane in many years so that alone makes this summer plan exciting!

Second and probably biggest reason of all that I am excited is that I will be signing for almost 2 months straight! It is a summer camp for Deaf kids! I love kids and haven't had the opportunity to sign with them much so this will be a totally new experience! I'll also get to work with Deaf adults and that always helps me learn and appreciate Deaf culture so much more!

And last but not least I will be in Connecticut! I can hardly believe it! I have been to very few states in my life and find this to be a tragedy but now I will get to travel! Even if I just go there I will be excited but the states are so close back there I will probably get to visit a couple more on my weekends!

As much as I will miss my family and be a tiny bit sad to miss a Disneyland trip, this is going to be the chance of a life time and what a perfect time to take advantage of this time in my life where I'm just waiting for what's next! I love it! I'm stoked! I just wish it was here now!
:)

mine,mine,mine.

2010-04-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

I HATE, with a capitol H and more passion, waiting.Stupid August.

I'm pleased with my life, but I've forgotten that it's just that, mine.

only 3 weeks until I'm done with school!

Hopefully soon after that I will embark on an amazing summer adventure!

Friday night.

2010-04-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

My friday night "date" will consist of...

this cutie, obviosly a big sis/lil bro date is way

over due when this was pretty much our last one,

years and a few feet shorter ago.

I'm not sure if I'm bitter or accepting at this point.

When I get the news.

2010-04-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Come July or August when I hear back from school about my application I will be prepared to do one of two things.

1.If I get accepted: I will celebrate like crazy for awhile and cry tears of joy and relief that I actually did it and that I don't have to wait anymore!

2. If I don't get accepted:I will let myself wallow in self pity for one day and one day only, I will cry and eat tons of ice cream and be depressed and lay in bed and not do anything, for one full day. The next day I will get up and move on. I will implement a strongly formulated "Plan B" and figure things out in another direction.

I always like to have a plan, even if it's a plan to have a plan. Hopefully this is all ok with my Heavenly Father because he is the one who has always tried to painstakingly teach me not to rely or be dead set on one option :) Hopeing the best for my future.

(Someday I'd love to have this wall art.)

"I had been so terrified to trust,so many times I’d been reduced to dust"

2010-03-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

I somehow keep picking out the negative words in these songs:

"Well I’ve been treated like a valentine

That’s been ripped apart and left behind

I’m a fragile girl

In a crazy careless world

My dreams were torn and scattered on the floor."

about 10 months...

Apparently not enough time for me to recover from a destroyed heart.

my eyes hurt, this is the only thing they produce water for, for a long time

they won't reason with me like they do about other topics.

I can't shake this right now and don't know why or how to end it.

maybe being ignored is better than getting an answer you didn't expect/want.

2010-03-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

Whatever.

I'm going to Cali tommrrow for the whole week without school,work, or an reminders of Gilbert.

Thank goodness.

2010-03-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

Everything is on track for my IPP application!
One more homework and one more midterm until SPRING BREAK!
I get to go to CA soon!!
I will get to see my Best Friend soon!
I will get to stay at Tyler & Hollie's house maybe!

I'm pretty happy right now and have no real complaints, I know that's new but hopefully it'll be more constant for awhile !

THANK YOU.

2010-03-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite artist. I don't know how old she is

or how she grew up or

how she became a Christian

BUT

she has somehow gotten inside

my head and heart

and we think and feel

exactly the same.

I'm so thankful for this girl.

Don’t know how it is You looked at me

And saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart

Breaking through the dark

Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight

Making my life something so

Beautiful, beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me

All that I need

You are so

Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain

But even perfect days can end in rain

And though it’s pouring down

I see You through the clouds

Shining on my face

I have come undone

But I have just begun

Changing by Your grace.

~Francesca Battistelli

2010-03-01T22:20:00.000-08:00

When watching old pictures fly across my laptop screen today

I decided

never again will I let someone push me around,

make me feel small,

make me feel unworthy,

make me feel bad about myself.

Never again will I let myself be so bossy,

I admit it

and I am learning from my mistakes.

I also saw today that one of my classes transferred wrong,

this means trying to figure out official school stuff

which I totally hate doing,

and worst case scenario...

no certificate, no way I can apply for the program,

and even worst...more school.

Julie Croft minus Best Friend.

2010-02-25T09:04:00.001-08:00

I miss Taylor.

Bitter minus Lonely.

2010-02-25T08:57:00.000-08:00

I miss Hollie.

7 more hours of justice.

2010-02-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

It's the only thing that's ever truly been mine.

I found it on my own.

I interviewed on my own.

I worked on my own

and I worked hard.

And I worked hard enough

to get promoted on my own.

It was mine.

I shared it with people but

it was mine to share.

Like my private tree house

that I could extend an invitation to others

but at the end of the day it was mine.

Maybe I just feel this way

cuz it feels like quitting...

and really it is.

But like my Dad says I'm just

"doing what's best for me"

and stuff...

I just hope it is the best thing and

that somehow, something,

with give me this same feeling again.

L.O.V.E.

2010-02-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

I believe alot of things.

Lately I've had my belief in

LOVE

renewed.

I know that love conquers all.

When I'm feeling

negative,

bitter,
or just lonely,

I think of LOVE.

As one of my new favorite songs says

"If I thought love was just a word,

I might feel the same way too

but there's so much more than that

and it's waiting here for you"

Jesus Christ is LOVE.

This statement is truth,

so why then do people clam to

have a relationship with him

and still not understand it?

I believe alot of things.

Some more strongly than others,

Jesus = LOVE.

LOVE for him = love for others.

the end. period.

Happy almost valentines day!

2010-02-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

I wanna feel young,

and have a pretty new dress

that I can put some heels on with

and extra eye make up and

go out in.

[dress picture from http://www.squidoo.com/summerdress ]

I was thinking...

2010-02-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

If I lived in an apartment the kitchen would look exactly like my home one does now.

Mac & cheese in the making, cheese wizz and saltines as an appitizer, backback and laptop on the comunter from just getting done with school and just needing to get more school done. And of course it would be covered in PINK!

The fridge and pantry would be packed with much more veggie-friendly-ness and there would be 2 less razors in my shower and less clothes on my floor BUT...

In a little while my favorite people wouldn't be home. You know those ones that mostly share my DNA and facial features.

I wouldn't get to discuss random drama with Tracie in the middle of the day in that small time when we were both here at the same time and have her burst into song in answer to my question.

I wouldn't be able to hear Amie's sweet voice above the blaring radio, or Hannah on her clarenet or Tanner on his Cello.

I woulddn't get to say Goodnight to my Dad a zillion time before we both actually end up in our rooms or ask him why he didn't tell me I had stuff on my face.

Britt wouldn't be there for me to vent to or her to vent to me in our various states of readyness for the day, her hair in a towl or me rolling out of bed without brushing my hair yet or just saying good morning and then bye before one of us leaves.

I wouldn't get to call Tanner a "beautiful man flower" or realize that it's not just me that he doesn't like to talk to on the phone.

I wouldn't have Amie as my shiny example of reading her scriptures everynight before bed and going to bed on time and prepaing for the next day before the next day.

Yes I do miss my Hollie and brother Tyler alot!

I miss Hollie and I giggling like little girls at a yucky word and waking up and telling her my bizzar dreams and dancing and going to the grocery store together.

I miss Tyler's joking with, at and about me and laughing really hard and him always being right.

BUT I'm really lucky when it comes to family.

I read my friends blog post about her brother that passed away when they were young and it made me think about these crazy wonderful people that I have in my life, that no matter what support me and I love them with all my heart.

So it's a good day for my positivity level about living at home...again, at 21. Good thing they are so freakishly entertaining and heart warming!

6 years old.

2010-01-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

It's like I'm back to that time when brooms would fly over my head.
And a vague recollection of hiding behind the couch comes to my mind.
The sound of their yelling burned perfectly into my ears.
It's like I'm the one that was the messenger,
back and forth between both parties
seeing them at their worst.
The shaking with anger didn't come til later in my life,
but that same intensity was there in those memories.
I clam up and shut down just like I was a little kid again
not 21 years old...
This is what happens when you let your guard down.

over(whelmed)it

2010-01-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

uhhhhhhhhh 4 days into school and I'm starting to feel it.
I just read the syllabus to a class and that alone makes me feel like I'm
drownding in homework and assignments and due dates that haven't
even started yet!

I'm excited for this semester and love where I'm at with my education...
it's just going to be a huge diffrence from my peiece of cake the previous one was.

What does all this mean?
I haven't fully decided yet because I go back and forth sometimes
when I should really just make up my mind.

"I'm gonna make a decision...decision made." - Baby Mama

2010-01-21T11:40:00.000-08:00

So I started school again Tuesday.

Monday was a day off so I went with Tracie to get our nails done. I still had my gift certificate from my birthday to use so I thought "What the Heck!?"

I think they are pretty.

This is my current obsession/temptation.

I know that I have ZERO funds right now but it seems everytime I get on my computer I end up debating about just ordering it again.

Don't know how much longer I can resist!

I miss this boy!

I mean look at the cheesy smile. I can hardly remember what it's like for someone to make me so happy. Seriously, when I'd dealing with school crap or just not having a "positive attitude" kinda day, he slaps that smile back on my face without even trying.

I'll admit...

2010-01-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

I'm nervous. Looking at beautiful things to calm me down.

Family photo favorites & butterflies, hope it helps.

One word: LOVE

Sometimes.

2010-01-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when it's finally time for bed, my mind doesn't want to sleep. So I get on my lap-top in my nice dark room with my baby sister already in dream land just a few feet from me, instead of sleeping. I do feel a bit guilty typing but she's not such a light sleeper like me.

When I'm not sleeping I'm thinking because to be honest not alot of that goes on during my day. I've achieved an auto-pilot, cruise control mind set. Work, drive, work, drive, sometimes eat. None of which requires much original thought or deep pondering.

I think about girly things. I try not to think about money, school, work, my future-well some more stressful aspects of it, cuz those thoughts find their way to the front of my mind too often, guess my cruise control needs adjusting. I also tend to read my favorite blogs and that adds to my thinking.

Tonight I think I realized something :

In these last months of hurting and learning I never really gave up certain dreams. I tried and I truly thought I could live without them, maybe I could but don't want to. I feel silly thinking of such foolish girly things. Maybe tomorrow I'll think more clearly and figure out what I mean.

wandering mind.

2010-01-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

I've been all over the place lately:

New years resolutions still haven't been thought of/written down.

Yuma is on the opposite side of my "places I love" list currently.

Change is necessary yet unpleasant.

I have an unsatisfiable sweet tooth. This makes trying to start a diet nearly impossible.

Reading can make my very moody, or add to an existing mood so I must be careful.

My heart is still unhealed but learning to be strong again.

I have officially started my pink kitchen dream thanks to my Best Friend Taylor!

Only a short while til school starts and there is already crap I need to deal with...yay.

I'm not sure why I'm putting off writing an e-mail to someone I am most grateful for.

I am starting to get used to living at home again.

Work has become more of a stress and less of something that's enjoyable lately, guess I'm growing up.

And speaking of I got my first jury summons.

Last week was amazing.

I hate when people leave. SD and Flagstaff are also on that "places I'm not pleased with" list.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Nope."

"Ok here goes..."

I can taste the vanilla twilight.

2009-12-26T21:19:00.001-08:00

The stars lean down to kiss you

And I lie awake and miss you

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere'

Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly

But I'll miss your arms around me

I'd send a postcard to you, dear'

Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad'

Til I look at my hands and feel sad'

Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days'

Cause cold nostalgia

Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist-deep in thought because

When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter

And heavy wings grow lighter

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew

But I swear I won't forget you

Oh, if my voice could reach

Back through the past

I'd whisper in your ear

Oh darling, I wish you were here.

-Owl City

Sometimes I feel a clam settle in my chest knowing

I've found something better,

yet wonder when I won't have the urge to egg his car.

3's

2009-12-21T09:49:00.000-08:00

Things I hate:
1. speeding tickets
2. spending money
3. feeling sick

Things I love:
1. web cam
2. working w/Kendall
3. FAMILY

Things I need to do:
1. wrap presents
2. move eh...
3. go to work

Things I want to do:
1. go to CA
2. not work today
3. eat a churro

2009-12-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

How many times a day can the voice in my head shout :

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT

...ok maybe just this once & then my chest hurts again.

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT

I don't even wanna think about things that could be

good cuz that's how it started out last time & now look

where I'm at.

[photo compaments of my new favorite blog melissabxoxo.blogspot.com]

"when I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ"

2009-12-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

I’ve been angry.

It never happened to me before but ever since it’s been pretty constant.
This emotion grabs hold of the hole where my heart was and fills it full.
The sensation pulls it into silent rage and despair.

Until I realize…

He is there for me & has felt this too.
This realization is why I now have a picture of the Savior in my car.
I wish I had one everywhere I go.
He is my “heart-burn medicine” so to speak.
He cools the anger in which I become so tightly bound.
I know He loves me.
This truth still doesn’t make it easy but at least it dulls the pain,
& I'm trying, which is all I can ask myself to do.

“In this life I know what I've been But here in your arms I know what I am”

counting down hours is better than counting down days.

2009-11-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

I only have hours before I leave campus and begin celebrating the season.

SO...

I'll tell you what I have been doing:

WORK -Justice & with my best little buddy the lovely miss Kendall.
SCHOOL- and lots of it, only ONE more hour to get of my 45!
PLAY- not so much in this category but Hollie and I have our random adventures, Randy Day keeps me on my toes and I'd say some of my interpreting observation has been entertaining, how can it not be with a cute boy involved?!

What I want:

Seems I always crave stability, maybe it's a myth but I hope to someday attain it.
I wanna get my Gallaudet application done!
Pink kitchen wishes are on the back burner for now but still in my head.

& what I'm looking forward to:

buying/making Christmas presents! I have a few ideas I can't wait to try!
Thanksgiving/spending time with my family
NO SCHOOL ON THURSDAY!

My life's been so crazy busy I haven't had time to think. Which isn't quite a bad thing.

I read this blog and almost every single time I read it I tear up. I know her heart is breaking and to a lesser extent I know what it's like to feel ruined...

Starting to worry about my upcoming free time cuz my mind will drift to areas of my thoughts that I have blocked off, locked up and barricaded so that I can function in everyday life.

We will see...5 more hours.

2009-11-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

"Magic is knowing there is more to life than this moment,

knowing that someday things will be better,

and believing in that, with everything you can, makes things brighter"

Sometimes I write and then go back and read it

...and really like it.

my current dream.

2009-11-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

So maybe it's not a totally original dream but it's my dream,

...someday & that gives me something to hope for.

I miss Halloween.

2009-11-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have done zero productive things today.

Tuesdays & Thursdays I have school and

computer access so I should in theroy get things done.

Instead I do the opposite, I do nothing.

______________________________________

All I really wish to do right now is

cuddle up in my nice warm blanket at home,

look at pictures,

and enjoy my dwindling time with Hollie.

Saddly I have approxomately 6 hours

before I can do anything resembling this.

______________________________________

I've noticed lately that I'm not girly.

I love necklaces yet if I wear them I end up

taking them off and shoving them in my purse.

I love bracelets but I'm very picky and again

always aware of them, they just aren't comfortable.

I rearly "do" my hair.

I wear comfy clothes,

which usually translaters into grubbies.

Hollie says it takes years to

become girly so until I have further reason

to become so, I'll not worry about it.

_____________________________________

I miss Halloween already &

wish that time would slow down because

although I have no idea what I want right now...

I know exactly what I don't want.

mmm what cha said.

2009-10-22T10:39:00.001-07:00

I used to be boarder line obsessed with licence plates that said things.

I haven't taken one in awhile.

NEW.

2009-10-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am now an LBR2 at Justice.

(manager for all intensive purposes)

I have an Associate Degree with Distinction.

I am 21 years of age.

I am IN LOVE with Paramore's new album.

I'm getting over things

and trying to live new.

I'm pleased with my life.

...and I have a new blog you should read.

livelifeandbebrave.blogspot.com

2009-08-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

My first day of school has consisted more of

trying to waste time than actual classes.

The first two went well enough,

and aside from forgetting EVERYTHING

I wanted to bring with me this morning,

the day has gone by rather smoothly.

I am SO EXCITED for my next 2 classes

cuz they have to do with my passion

and what I want to do with the

rest of my life!! YAY!

me.

2009-08-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

1. I sing over the noise of the blow dryer or vacuum.
2. I don't like meat. Never have, never will.
3. Sign language is the one thing in the world I feel I'm really good at.
4. I hate my nose, it's too long.
5. I am very stubborn.
6. I HATE fighting, or confrontation yet hate to have things unresolved.
7. I can apply almost any lyric to my current situation.
8. Needles, hamsters, the future and motherhood are my greatest fears.
9. I've been in love only a few times but had my heart broken on countless occasions.
10. I hate lying.
11. I have a CRAZY but wonderful family.
12. I prefer not to be in a crowd.
13. I could live off of bean and cheese burritos and egg sandwiches.
14. I still play the violin on occasion but wish I would practice more.
15. I worry about...everything.
16. I have no sense of direction what so ever.
17. I LOVE the snow & cold weather.
18. I look forward to the day I can own a real pet.
19. I need to tell people things, the slightest of details bug me if I don't share them.
20. I go to church because I want to.
21. I don't like violence of any form.
22. I'm a nerd and admit that i love school.
23. I enjoy watching my siblings grow up and pray that they learn from my mistakes cuz it's hard to watch them be sad.
24. Death is a concept that I haven't learned to handle well.
25. I know who I am.

I've been having a really hard time lately. Things are rough in my life but I'm living. I try not to focus on everything that's going wrong because I do have a lot to be thankful for. I usually don't like to talk about my issues cuz I can't express myself well. Someday things will turn around, til then I know who I am and can try to be a better person.

I never posted about Wicked!

2009-08-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

My Beautiful sisters ready for the show.And Tanner!

We decided to be very festive with out black and green attire.

Standing by the wicked bus!!

And of course at jumping picture!

We had an amazing time,
the show was magical and amazing!
It made us laugh and almost cry
because of the huge amount of talent on one stage.
Thanks Dad & Britt for letting us have this
once in a life time experience!

2009-07-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

Interesting goings on lately.

Last week my car, Sunshine, got it's window shot out.

Cardboard and duct tape is not her style.

Today she got an insane flat.

I'd never experienced anything like it.

My car was shaking like crazy and I was mad at her

but decided to pull over and have Tracie pick me up,

good thinking cuz then I saw the flat.

Music touches my soul.

Bestfriend Taylor, Tracie and her friend

and I went to The Fray & Jack's Mannequin.

It was beyond words.

At times I felt close to tears it was so amazing.

And then I've dealt with some other emotional stuff.

I keep it all in mostly,

at random times I feel close to a break down,

who knows when it'll all hit me.

For now I'm trying to focus on being

excited because I am.

The rest will pass or work itself out.

Give me something to believe in,

A breath from the breathing

So write it down,

I don't think that I'll close my eyes

'Cause lately I'm not dreaming

So what's the point in sleeping?

It's just that at night,

I've got nowhere to hide.

substance from Tracie's ipod.

2009-06-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

Cause I was born to tell you I love you.
And I am torn to do what I have to,
to make you mine.
Stay with me tonight.
And I'm tired of being all alone,
and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home.
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

life.

2009-06-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Right now my life consists of:

working at Justice still...ehh
working with my cousin Kendall and it's so fun and rewarding.
summer school, just one class but I love it.
living at Tyler and Hollie's!!
trying to wait patiently, only 11 months left.
spending any other time with my Best Friend Taylor.

and that's pretty much it for now.

2009-05-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

love me some AAAAAs

2009-05-13T22:30:00.001-07:00

I got an A in my Intro to

Interpreting class!!!

I'm happy and relieved and elated

and over-joyed and grateful and proud

all at the same time!!

I know it sounds a bit dramatic but doing this sign language

thing, to me, means following my passion and I did work

really hard in this class and studied hard

and when it came time for the final I just wasn't sure

it would be enough. I even asked God if he could

maybe soften my teachers heart and help her

realize how hard and long I'd studied and prepped for that test!

(Maybe not the greatest thing to pray for but it was heart felt

and I was desperate!)

Needless to say I'm really excited about my grade!!

Jessica.

2009-05-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

At work the other day there was a wonderful little girl there having her birthday party and oh my goodness she was inspiring! She had a super short hair cut and I didn't really think anything of it until my boss said "what're we going to do with your hair?!" and then all her friends wanted to tell the story! They told us that a boy at her school had a type of bone cancer and all the boys at their school shaved their heads when he was going through chemo and she was they only girl in the whole school that did it in honor of that boy! She was so sweet and caring and only ten years old! I wish to be like that little girl.

_____________________________________________________

I had a great week last week with some spectacular phone calls making it extra special :)

This week is finals and I'm nervous but so excited.

I'm so ready for summer!

irritation...not my favorite of moods to be in.

2009-05-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

not getting what I asked for til the third time,
Not being assertive enough to not have to wait,
rude fast food workers,
siblings not deciding or compromising,
being blamed...
I dislike being irritated & know I should stop.

I severely want a trundle bed right now!